Relaxation By Yourself - A 10 Point Plan For Relaxing

You can read the following 'relaxation by yourself' instructions and after a few practices you will have your own in-built relaxation habit which you can use daily to reduce stress and anxiety.

1. Sit in a comfortable chair or lie on your bed. Ensure you will not be disturbed by other noises. If you become aware of sounds ignore them. Make sure the whole of your body is comfortably supported - including your arms, head and feet.
   
2. Close your eyes. Feel the chair/bed supporting your whole body - your legs, your arms, your head. If you can feel any tension, begin to let it go like releasing a clenched fist. Take three slow and deep breaths, and let the tension begin to flow out imagining it like sand in an egg timer.
   
3. Become aware of your head - notice how your forehead feels. Let any tension go and feel your forehead become smooth and wide. Let any tension go from around your eyes, your mouth, your cheeks and your jaw. Let your teeth part slightly and feel the tension go.
   
4. Now focus on your neck - let the chair take the weight of your head and feel your neck relax. Now your head is feeling heavy. Let your shoulders lower gently down. Your shoulders are wider, your neck is longer.
   
5. Notice how your body feels as you begin to relax.
   
6. Be aware of your arms and your hands. Let them sink down into the chair. Now they are feeling heavy perhaps limp.
   
7. Think about your back - from your neck to your hips. Let the tension go and feel yourself sinking down into the chair/bed. Let your hips, your legs and your feet relax and roll outwards. Notice the feeling of relaxation taking over.
   
8. Think about your breathing - your abdomen gently rising and falling as you breathe. Let your next breath be a little deeper, a little slower.
   
9. Now, you are feeling completely relaxed and heavy.…. lie still and concentrate on slow, rhythmic breathing….
   
10. When you want to count back from 3 to 1 and open your eyes. Wiggle your fingers and toes, breathe deeply and stretch. Pause before gently rising.

If you have found this blog helpful and relaxing please leave your comments. If you, a friend or relative would like help with reducing their stress and anxiety please get in touch via our website West of England Coaching and Counselling.

Managing Stress Through Helpful Questions

When you find yourself on the 'tipping point' of becoming stressed with all the dreadful feelings and behaviour that usually ensue STOP and take a deep breath.


Now, ask yourself the following questions (they work for me and I truly was a big stress-head!):

1. What am I reacting to?
2. What is it that I think is going to happen here?
3. Is this fact?
4. What's the worst (and best) that could happen? What's most likely to happen?
5. What would I like to happen - my outcome?
6. How helpful is it for me to think this way?
7. Am I getting things out of proportion? 
8. Is it worth it?
9. How important is this really? How important will it be in a month's time? 
10. What meaning am I giving this situation?
11. Can I see that this meaning is inflexible?
12. Am I overestimating the threat?
13. Am I underestimating my ability to cope?
14. Have I got my ‘stress-head’ on?
15. What do I look like to other people? How am I affecting them?
16. Am I mind-reading what others might be thinking?
17. Am I believing I can predict the future?
18. Is there another way of looking at this?
19. What advice would I give someone else in this situation?
20. Am I putting more pressure on myself?
21. Just because I feel bad, doesn't mean things really are bad.
22. Can I do things any differently here?
23. How much can I control in this situation? What is outside of my control?
24. What changes (however small) can I make to those things that I am able to control?
25. What do I want or need from this person or situation? What do they want or need from me?  Is there a compromise?
26. What would be the consequences of responding the way I usually do?
27. Is there another way of dealing with this? 
28. What would be the most helpful and effective action to take? (for me, for the situation, for the other person)
29. What could I gain/lose?
30. What will I do?

If this blog has been helpful then please do leave a comment. If you, a friend or relative would like support in managing your stress or anxiety please get in touch via our website West of England Coaching and Counselling.

Sleeping Problems?

A client visited me for the first time today and during discussions he revealed that he had not been sleeping properly for some time.

Why is not sleeping properly such an issue?

Whilst we may suffer little negative consequence from the odd sleepless night, over a period of time the negative consequences of sleeplessness will become apparent.

We all know people who are able to function well on less than the generally recommended average of 8 hours per night.

I think you'll agree that the gold test is whether you are able to function well during waking life after a lack of sleep. If not, you may need to take action.

Why is sleeping so important and what can I do to improve it?

In summation good sleep involves two types of sleep that alternate throughout the sleep period:

• Regenerative Sleep
• REM (Rapid Eye Movement) Sleep

During Regenerative Sleep we rest and restore so that we awake with energy to expend during our waking life.

During the REM Sleep we deal with problems through mataphors i.e. dreaming and resolve them so that 'we have the answers in the morning'. Hence the old addage 'sleep on it' i.e. the issue, problem or decision.

You do dream even if you do not remember them. However, some drugs will restrict or stop REM completely.

If we do not get enough sleep - your sleep needs are unique so apply the gold test above - both types of sleep will be impacted. If this goes on for some time you can run into difficulties.

What stops us from getting good sleep?

You may already know that caffeine in the afternoon / evening, eating a heavy meal or using technology before bed, being too hot or cold may impact your sleeping in a negative way.

Therefore, having a routine such as, going to bed at the same time and avoiding some or all of the above can help.

Other than the above key reasons, you may not be sleeping enough due to worries, problems, unresolved issues, fears, anxiety, stress, anger or depression.

If you are suffering from any one or more of the above your sleep may be negatively impacted to a greater or lesser degree.

If you are suffering from one or more of the above your 'stress bucket' is not being emptied and - left unaddressed - your performance during the day (e.g your productivity at work, relationships with others and your level of self-care) will all be impacted.

One of the best things you can do to restore your sleep is to relax immediately before bed (don't use the TV or work as this actually raises your stress levels) with a hot bath or listening to a relaxation CD.

If you have found this blog useful please leave a comment.

If you would like one of our relaxation CDs and for all of your coaching and counselling needs please visit our website West of England Coaching and Counselling.

Improving Your Thinking

How do you think that your core beliefs and 'rules for life' affect your thinking as events happen?

I was recently working with a client who in many contexts in life is positive, pretty flexible and easy going. Then she was involved in a serious non-fault car accident.

After the car accident my client experienced post traumatic stress symptoms including regular day and nigh-time flashbacks following which the same sorts of questions came up in her mind - 'How could that driver be allowed on the road?' and 'I cannot trust other drivers anymore'.

My client's relevant 'rules for life' relating to this were quite rigid e.g. only competent drivers should be allowed on the road - because of course this is not the case and despite the characteristics of the driver - including their being regarded as 'old' - this was a car 'accident'.

These rules for life and core beliefs were causing negative thinking and in turn negative emotions and communication whenever she thought about the accident and in talking with others.

This was reinforcing and compounding negative thoughts in her brain and eventually, unable to control these negative thought and emotions, she came to see me.

As well as negativity around the car accident incident my client had also started thinking about other negative experiences from way back in her life that had seen her rules and core beliefs undermined in some way.

We know that this is the subconscious mind's way of protecting us and causing a 'fight or flight response' - responding with the primitive response patterns of anger, anxiety or depression and sometimes two or even three of these.

Once we identified the contextual core beliefs and rules for life that were negatively impacting my clients' thinking she was able to develop more enabling beliefs and flex her rules in this area somewhat.

We then found that her awareness level negative automatic thoughts occurred less and less and within a few sessions she felt calmer about what had happened to her and wise having found out how her mind worked and how to manage and control it.

Anxiety, stress and feeling low or depressed are lonely disabling feelings which you do not have to bear.

If you would like support in addressing any emotions you are suffering with please get in touch via West of England Coaching and Counselling.

How Your Mind Works

You may already know that your thinking determines the quality of your life.

Why is this and how does it work?

When we have a negative thought pattern such as 'I am not good enough / not loved enough / not confident enough' these thoughts are converted into anxiety because our minds do not distinguish between what we think and what is real.

There are two main ways in which we create negative thought patterns - Negative Introspection about the past and Negative Forecasting about the future.

For example - 'I shouldn't have said x / should have said y / shouldn't have done z' or 'I won't be able to do x' or 'I won't feel comfortable doing y' or 'I am dreading doing z'.

When our anxiety goes up a number of things happen.

Our serotonin levels drop - the neurotransmitter responsible for us feeling happy and coping - as well as our noradrenalin levels - the neurotransmitter responsible for motivation.

Does this sound familiar at all? When did you last feel anxious or demotivated and what triggered this?

When our anxiety levels go up our intellectual control and our ability to function rationally as an adult goes down.

When our intellectual control goes down our subconscious / unconscious / emotional mind takes over and - according to experts - this part of our mind has the intellectual age of a seven-year-old.

Our subconscious mind always responds with three primitive response patterns which we have inherited from our ancestors - anger, anxiety and depression - and sometimes two or more of these.

Symptoms vary greatly and include stress, low self-esteem, feeling low and self-medicating for example with alcohol.

Our subconscious mind is vigilent, not innovative and always looks at things from a negative viewpoint - looking for the reasons why not to do something so when we are in the 'negative loop' we will not be fed solutions - rather we will we fed all the reasons to justify the initial negative thought.

Most of us do not want to live our lives out as a seven-year-old particularly as at that age we are not great at solving adult problems.

Clearly the key is to challenge the negative thoughts which arise in the first place - even if there are compelling reasons for thinking that way - because the route is always to end up in an emotional childish place.

We need to catch the negative thought consciously - thinking about it or saying it out loud or writing it down.

Next we need to challenge the negtaive thought - is this helpful? The answer is always 'No'.

Then we need to change the negative thought into something more positive - even if it is a challenging belief to come to terms with.

When we have a positive perspective we stay calm and in intellectual control - there is no need for the emotional mind to step in.

The reward for persevering with this technique is a better functioning mind able to find life relatively easy and having a better quality of life.

Please let me know how you get on by leaving a comment or by getting in touch via my website at West of England Coaching and Counselling.

Controlling Negative Thoughts

Can we ever experience only positive thoughts? Maybe. Better ask the Dalai Lama.

You may already know that recurring negative thought patterns [e.g. 'I am so unlucky to have this illness / I am fat / I am hopeless at presentations / I am not good enough...'] cause anxiety because the mind does not distinguish between what we think and what is real.

This generated anxiety causes us to lose intellectual control [your adult age basically] and the uncounscious / sub-conscious / emotional mind takes over.

According to experts this emotional mind has the intellectual age of a 7 year old. Recognise this at all?

Primative Responses

The emotional mind always responds with 3 primitive response patterns that we have inherited from our ancestors - anxiety, anger or depression.

The symptoms can be anything and are unwanted such as not sleeping properly, being stressed and not wanting to go out of the house.

Often symtoms involve us self-medicating and putting something in our mouths such as too much food, drink or cigarettes. Negative thinking is therefore dangerous.

The key then seems to be to think positive thoughts.

Whilst running an executive coaching session today, a client asked what it is like to only experience positive thoughts.

My reply was 'I don't know' because I do experience negative thoughts.

Catch, Challenge, Change

The difference is that I get less because my sub-conscious 'child' knows that the route for negative thoughts is 'catch, challenge, change'.

I explained to the client that this simple technique would help her to experience less negative and more positive thoughts.

The client asked for the fomula which I explained as follows:

1. Catch the negative thought e.g. 'I am going to do a bad job of presenting on Friday'.
2. Challenge the negative thought by asking 'Is this helpful?' - The answer is always 'No'.
3. Change the thought to something  more postive e.g. 'I will prepare well on Thursday afternoon and do a dummy run with a friendly colleague. On Friday I will take some deep breaths and focus on my audience.'

This process helps us to get back into intellectual conscious control. It calms us and stops us from becoming too emotional and losing control.

Over time the unconscious emotional childish mind gradually reduces the amount of 'tantrums' it has and we feel more positive and more in control.

Please let feel free to pass on your comments on this blog? Has it inspired you at all?

Alternatively, please take the opportunity to visit my website West of England Coaching and Counselling as I am passionate about improving lives using our mind and would love to hear from you.