Do you have what seems to you to be an intractable problem which involves other people either professionally or personally?
In certain areas of life, such as, engineering, IT and medicine a problem focus is required so that weaknesses and what went wrong can be understood before a solution can be put in place.
Increasingly in life the most interesting and potentially significant problems are about people - especially their difficulties and challenges in communicating with each other.
Change programmes at work show that the Number 1 challenge is most often communication between the workforce.
Research also shows that when it comes to people issues analysis of the problem rarely assists in finding the solution.
Rather, by focusing on the problem you become problem-focused with an excellent strategy for defining it.
Understanding why things are like they are does little to help you to decide what to do next.
Negative emotions brought about by people interaction issues, such as fear, anger, frustration, feeling overwhelmed and misunderstood do not pave the way for a clear solution.
Following the 'What you focus on is what you get', neuroscience helps us to glean that focusing on what the solution is can help enormously with problems relating to people interactions.
The solutions-focused approach is used in all of our work. We start with some initial questions to elicit the issues as you see and experience them and then move forward to articulate specifically what you do want - your goals and objectives - in positive and measurable terms.
We move forward by scaling where you are now and identifying what is already good and what is already being done right.
This helps us identify what already works for you - so you can aim to do more of it - as well as highlighting resources, strengths which can be used to move further forwards to help you gradually achieve your goals and objectives at your own pace.
We also work on the premise that problems rarely happen in all contexts. Identifying times when problems do not occur for you helps us to think about transferring this knowledge, skills and so on to other contexts where the problem does happen for you.
One example of this came to light for a client of mine last night when he realised he felt calm and in control the days after a good night's rest when he was not up until 1am emailing.
This had the knock-on effect of him being calmer with his wife and children the next day which subsequently helped his wife feel warmer towards him, more supportive and so on.
The solutions-focused approach is a positive and pragmatic way to progress with people issues and problems communicating and interacting.
Your challenge is to apply this approach in your own life and if you so wish let us know how you get on.
Our mission is to teach you an approach which you will find useful again and again in your life.
If you would like to know more about receiving solutions focused coaching or counselling please visit our website to see our full range of services West of England Coaching and Counselling.
Showing posts with label counselling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label counselling. Show all posts
Friday, 2 December 2011
Monday, 17 October 2011
How To Be Happy: Enjoy The Simple Things In Life...
So you have set some goals and you are working on them but there is something missing...what happened to enjoying today, now, this moment?
So I am writing this blog to remind you to keep a list of the things that make you happy now - just ordinary everyday things which you may have overlooked for a period like the view from one of your rooms, sunshine, a great meal...
Think about what you already have - Even better list these things in a journal and keep going until you have a full list of all of your blessings.
If you find this hard, think about what you do not have and do not want. Add these to your blessings list.
You may notice that the acquisition of things brings happiness but this is ephemeral. Numerous studies have shown there is nothing sustainable about acquisition - even for high winning Lottery individuals.
There is also something researchers call the Hedonic Treadmill which is when you say "I will be happy when...I have lost weight / got married / started a family / got my face lift etc".
The trouble with this outlook is that once you get used to the next level of status you reach a new norm which in itself becomes unsatisfying - in essence more wants more.
Happiness is not a destination... it's a state of mind. So recognise what you have, smile, enjoy what you are doing today and at the end of the day write down what has gone well in your journal - small things do count.
After all, big events and achievements happen less often.
And remember that whilst it is great to have goals and action plans, it is most important to live in the moment as this is all we have. Life is fragile and short.
If you have found this blog to be useful please let me know and/or get in touch via our website at West of England Coaching and Counselling.
So I am writing this blog to remind you to keep a list of the things that make you happy now - just ordinary everyday things which you may have overlooked for a period like the view from one of your rooms, sunshine, a great meal...
Think about what you already have - Even better list these things in a journal and keep going until you have a full list of all of your blessings.
If you find this hard, think about what you do not have and do not want. Add these to your blessings list.
You may notice that the acquisition of things brings happiness but this is ephemeral. Numerous studies have shown there is nothing sustainable about acquisition - even for high winning Lottery individuals.
There is also something researchers call the Hedonic Treadmill which is when you say "I will be happy when...I have lost weight / got married / started a family / got my face lift etc".
The trouble with this outlook is that once you get used to the next level of status you reach a new norm which in itself becomes unsatisfying - in essence more wants more.
Happiness is not a destination... it's a state of mind. So recognise what you have, smile, enjoy what you are doing today and at the end of the day write down what has gone well in your journal - small things do count.
After all, big events and achievements happen less often.
And remember that whilst it is great to have goals and action plans, it is most important to live in the moment as this is all we have. Life is fragile and short.
If you have found this blog to be useful please let me know and/or get in touch via our website at West of England Coaching and Counselling.
Friday, 14 October 2011
Relaxation By Yourself - A 10 Point Plan For Relaxing
You can read the following 'relaxation by yourself' instructions and after a few practices you will have your own in-built relaxation habit which you can use daily to reduce stress and anxiety.
- Sit in a comfortable chair or lie on your bed. Ensure you will not be disturbed by other noises. If you become aware of sounds ignore them. Make sure the whole of your body is comfortably supported - including your arms, head and feet.
- Close your eyes. Feel the chair/bed supporting your whole body - your legs, your arms, your head. If you can feel any tension, begin to let it go like releasing a clenched fist. Take three slow and deep breaths, and let the tension begin to flow out imagining it like sand in an egg timer.
- Become aware of your head - notice how your forehead feels. Let any tension go and feel your forehead become smooth and wide. Let any tension go from around your eyes, your mouth, your cheeks and your jaw. Let your teeth part slightly and feel the tension go.
- Now focus on your neck - let the chair take the weight of your head and feel your neck relax. Now your head is feeling heavy. Let your shoulders lower gently down. Your shoulders are wider, your neck is longer.
- Notice how your body feels as you begin to relax.
- Be aware of your arms and your hands. Let them sink down into the chair. Now they are feeling heavy perhaps limp.
- Think about your back - from your neck to your hips. Let the tension go and feel yourself sinking down into the chair/bed. Let your hips, your legs and your feet relax and roll outwards. Notice the feeling of relaxation taking over.
- Think about your breathing - your abdomen gently rising and falling as you breathe. Let your next breath be a little deeper, a little slower.
- Now, you are feeling completely relaxed and heavy.…. lie still and concentrate on slow, rhythmic breathing….
- When you want to count back from 3 to 1 and open your eyes. Wiggle your fingers and toes, breathe deeply and stretch. Pause before gently rising.
If you have found this blog helpful and relaxing please leave your comments. If you, a friend or relative would like help with reducing their stress and anxiety please get in touch via our website West of England Coaching and Counselling.
Monday, 10 October 2011
Managing Stress Through Helpful Questions
When you find yourself on the 'tipping point' of becoming stressed with all the dreadful feelings and behaviour that usually ensue STOP and take a deep breath.
Now, ask yourself the following questions (they work for me and I truly was a big stress-head!):
Now, ask yourself the following questions (they work for me and I truly was a big stress-head!):
- What am I reacting to?
- What is it that I think is going to happen here?
- Is this fact?
- What's the worst (and best) that could happen? What's most likely to happen?
- What would I like to happen - my outcome?
- How helpful is it for me to think this way?
- Am I getting things out of proportion?
- Is it worth it?
- How important is this really? How important will it be in a month's time?
- What meaning am I giving this situation?
- Can I see that this meaning is inflexible?
- Am I overestimating the threat?
- Am I underestimating my ability to cope?
- Have I got my ‘stress-head’ on?
- What do I look like to other people? How am I affecting them?
- Am I mind-reading what others might be thinking?
- Am I believing I can predict the future?
- Is there another way of looking at this?
- What advice would I give someone else in this situation?
- Am I putting more pressure on myself?
- Just because I feel bad, doesn't mean things really are bad.
- Can I do things any differently here?
- How much can I control in this situation? What is outside of my control?
- What changes (however small) can I make to those things that I am able to control?
- What do I want or need from this person or situation? What do they want or need from me? Is there a compromise?
- What would be the consequences of responding the way I usually do?
- Is there another way of dealing with this?
- What would be the most helpful and effective action to take? (for me, for the situation, for the other person)
- What could I gain/lose?
- What will I do?
Friday, 7 October 2011
Stress Management
Do you ever think now 'I can't cope...this is too much' about work, personal or relationship issues?
Do you feel anxious, angry or depressed or perhaps all three?
Do you notice your heart racing, tense muscles, headaches, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, restlessness, irritable bowel, sleeping disturbances, eating more or less, drinking more alcohol, upset, shouting, arguing...?
The first step is to identify what is making you stressed and then you can then either remove the triggers or change your response to them.
Say for example, it's your career and you are stressed about possible redundancy and the financial implications of this.
In this case you are not in control of removing the trigger - the redundancy threat - but you are in control of how you to choose to view it.
You can stress and feel sorry for yourself or you can take action by updating your CV and use your network to identify job opportunities.
No one is saying that life stresses are always easy to handle, however, there is often a solution if we stay calm and in control.
What tools are useful for staying calm and in control? Here are ones that I have used, some of which I continue to use:
I think that I know a bit about this because I used to stress about the smallest of hitches and now I definitely 'don't sweat the small stuff' or even bigger things that I cannot do anything about, for example, the economy, job security, impact on pension...
I do take action though when things don't go as I expect and I do make a plan. After all, we must recognise that worrying is futile.
We are better off thinking about our outcome and planning a way forward.
So, if you are currently worried about losing your job update your CV, share it with your network and make a plan to find another employment opportunity.
We are currently working with a number of clients on helping them find a way forward following redundancy or helping them to prepare for redundancy. If this is you please get in touch via West of England Coaching and Counselling.
Do you feel anxious, angry or depressed or perhaps all three?
Do you notice your heart racing, tense muscles, headaches, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, restlessness, irritable bowel, sleeping disturbances, eating more or less, drinking more alcohol, upset, shouting, arguing...?
The first step is to identify what is making you stressed and then you can then either remove the triggers or change your response to them.
Say for example, it's your career and you are stressed about possible redundancy and the financial implications of this.
In this case you are not in control of removing the trigger - the redundancy threat - but you are in control of how you to choose to view it.
You can stress and feel sorry for yourself or you can take action by updating your CV and use your network to identify job opportunities.
No one is saying that life stresses are always easy to handle, however, there is often a solution if we stay calm and in control.
What tools are useful for staying calm and in control? Here are ones that I have used, some of which I continue to use:
- Mindful extended breathing
- Relaxation CD with progressive muscle relaxation
- Focus fully on an activity
- Pampering e.g. aromatherapy massage
- Exercise - especially yoga
- Help others
- Be with others - i.e. your friends and family
- Keep a gratitude journal
- Have a regular enjoyable hobby, interest
- Prioritise
- Say no - Not for now
- Write down your thoughts and feelings
- Positive self-talk/affirmations e.g this is temporary and will pass
- Healthy eating
- Cut down on caffeine and alcohol
I think that I know a bit about this because I used to stress about the smallest of hitches and now I definitely 'don't sweat the small stuff' or even bigger things that I cannot do anything about, for example, the economy, job security, impact on pension...
I do take action though when things don't go as I expect and I do make a plan. After all, we must recognise that worrying is futile.
We are better off thinking about our outcome and planning a way forward.
So, if you are currently worried about losing your job update your CV, share it with your network and make a plan to find another employment opportunity.
We are currently working with a number of clients on helping them find a way forward following redundancy or helping them to prepare for redundancy. If this is you please get in touch via West of England Coaching and Counselling.
Monday, 3 October 2011
Changing Your Role in Life
Are you fed up with your current role in life, feel that the same things keep recurring and the same behaviours keep repeating themselves?
You may have reached a point where you feel really uncomfortable - even desperate to change things?
Perhaps you have set some goals and taken some action but you haven't actually changed your deeper beliefs, rules for life and you feel incongruent - like you are living someone else's life almost.
Perhaps you have been doing it all for someone else to make them happy - a parent or spouse - to meet their expectations or what you think their expectations are.
For years my role in the script of my life ran along the lines of doing a job that would make my father proud of me and for years I felt like a square peg in a round hole.
'That's just stupid' I eventually thought. Perhaps you can relate?
I went through a transformation from old to new role in the script where I eventually felt that I was being my authentic self.
My old beliefs were that I would never be good enough - 'I will have to work really hard because I am not clever and on my own because I cannot rely on others, to prove to my Dad that I am good enough and lovable'.
My new beliefs are different - I am and always have been good enough and I can reach out for support whenever I want to.
I prioritise and balance my life so that I am working hard enough and I do something just for me every day - for me it's usually exercise and preparing a fresh meal that make me feel good.
Above all, I remind myself that I am doing good work helping others and that I earn my oxygen, that people respect me and that I am loved just as I am.
My new beliefs have given me peace of mind.
So, what new beliefs can you start to have that will help you to change your role in your life?
Please let me know your thoughts and feelings by writing a comment on this blog and please get in touch via our website at West of England Coaching and Counselling.
You may have reached a point where you feel really uncomfortable - even desperate to change things?
Perhaps you have set some goals and taken some action but you haven't actually changed your deeper beliefs, rules for life and you feel incongruent - like you are living someone else's life almost.
Perhaps you have been doing it all for someone else to make them happy - a parent or spouse - to meet their expectations or what you think their expectations are.
For years my role in the script of my life ran along the lines of doing a job that would make my father proud of me and for years I felt like a square peg in a round hole.
'That's just stupid' I eventually thought. Perhaps you can relate?
I went through a transformation from old to new role in the script where I eventually felt that I was being my authentic self.
My old beliefs were that I would never be good enough - 'I will have to work really hard because I am not clever and on my own because I cannot rely on others, to prove to my Dad that I am good enough and lovable'.
My new beliefs are different - I am and always have been good enough and I can reach out for support whenever I want to.
I prioritise and balance my life so that I am working hard enough and I do something just for me every day - for me it's usually exercise and preparing a fresh meal that make me feel good.
Above all, I remind myself that I am doing good work helping others and that I earn my oxygen, that people respect me and that I am loved just as I am.
My new beliefs have given me peace of mind.
So, what new beliefs can you start to have that will help you to change your role in your life?
- Know that everything is happening for a reason and everything is as it should be even when you think this could not possibly be true. Believe it and ask for the strength and courage to be able to see it as true.
- Aim to change the things you can, accept the things you cannot change and know the difference.
- Stop beating yourself up for anything you feel you have 'failed at' - failure is only failure if you let it keep you down.
- If you do things in life sometimes you will fail - learn from it and move on.
- Be flexible and prepared to let go of the battle to have things your way all of the time.
- Be honest about the depth of your anger or depression and take action that is helpful to your health and well-being.
- Be kind to you. Know that we are all flawed, imperfect and spend some time getting to know the real you again - maybe go for a walk on your own at least once a week and do some soul searching.
- Enjoy the journey, what is happening around you now - the sights, the sounds and enjoy the fact that you are alive, awake and here to experience life on your path at a lovely pace that is just right for you.
- Expect obstacles on your path and curve balls will continue to be thrown. By expecting these problems you can handle them as best you can whilst still focusing on everything that you are grateful for.
- Offer gratitude even when you want to do the opposite - moan, complain, cry. When you can connect with a true feeling of gratitude, even when you’re in the midst of massive pain it helps.
- Find a form of meditation that works for you and aim to just be, letting any thoughts pass without analysis.
- Let your new role evolve in a time that is appropriate for you - transformation can take years because it is a journey.
Please let me know your thoughts and feelings by writing a comment on this blog and please get in touch via our website at West of England Coaching and Counselling.
Monday, 19 September 2011
Are You Overcome By Negative Thoughts?
The truth is that we all have negative thoughts at least some of the time.
Our ancestors have dictated that our minds and more specifically our amygdalas are 'tuned' to be alert to the negative aspects of life - us, others and the world.
The salient point is how you react to your negative thoughts.
Most people seek help when they are overcome by their negative thoughts and 'cannot get peace'.
The truth is that by this stage the individual is analysing their negative thoughts and literally letting them be run by them.
The secret - odd and simultaneously simple it may seem - is to not analyse your these kinds of thoughts.
Through not analysing negative thoughts you are effectively not handing over your power to your negative vigilant subconscious and emotional mind which controls them.
How do you bring this about and stop yourself automatically getting sucked into analysing and being overcome by your negative thoughts?
A really simple technique which I and clients of mine have used is to imagine the negative thoughts passing by - rather like metaphorical clouds in your mind - with a comment such as 'Ah that's an interesting thought' without passing judgement on or analysing them in any way.
This takes away the 'negative' labels away from the thought and with it any alarming connotations and associations.
I read extensively on this subject and over time I have become absolutely convinced we can experience greater peace by taking control in this simple way.
Let me know how you get on by responding to this blog and please do let your friends and contacts know about our website - West of England Coaching and Counselling.
Our ancestors have dictated that our minds and more specifically our amygdalas are 'tuned' to be alert to the negative aspects of life - us, others and the world.
The salient point is how you react to your negative thoughts.
Most people seek help when they are overcome by their negative thoughts and 'cannot get peace'.
The truth is that by this stage the individual is analysing their negative thoughts and literally letting them be run by them.
The secret - odd and simultaneously simple it may seem - is to not analyse your these kinds of thoughts.
Through not analysing negative thoughts you are effectively not handing over your power to your negative vigilant subconscious and emotional mind which controls them.
How do you bring this about and stop yourself automatically getting sucked into analysing and being overcome by your negative thoughts?
A really simple technique which I and clients of mine have used is to imagine the negative thoughts passing by - rather like metaphorical clouds in your mind - with a comment such as 'Ah that's an interesting thought' without passing judgement on or analysing them in any way.
This takes away the 'negative' labels away from the thought and with it any alarming connotations and associations.
I read extensively on this subject and over time I have become absolutely convinced we can experience greater peace by taking control in this simple way.
Let me know how you get on by responding to this blog and please do let your friends and contacts know about our website - West of England Coaching and Counselling.
Friday, 16 September 2011
Cause and Effect
If you want to change your situation the starting point is taking responsibility for your where you are now and how you feel.
What is the outcome that you want?
We teach people how to treat us - so if your issue concerns a relationship perhaps you need to change your part of the script or role in the play.
We can either be at 'Cause' or 'Effect'. If at effect we say someone else or something else is responsible for how I am/feel/do/behave/my results/my situation.
If we are at cause we say I am responsible for my results/how I feel/do/behave. Which would you rather be?
If we want to be empowered we can choose to be at cause.
We cannot directly affect others' behaviour - that is usually outside our sphere of influence - but we can change our behaviour and indirectly influence them.
When I met Joan (name changed) she was not far from serving her husband with a divorce.
I asked Joan what her outcome was and if she still loved her husband. She said that she did and wanted to take some steps to save her marriage.
It transpired that her husband was away during the week on business and on Saturday night my client was tasked with holding dinner parties for his clients/potential clients/business associates.
Saturday nights had ran the same for the past year or so. Joan's husband would complain about aspects of the food/Joan's dress.
When guests left Joan would row with her husband, cry and he would sleep on the sofa.
I played back to Joan what she had shared with me and said it's rather like being in a play where the script does not change - he has his role and you have yours.
Who was the wise person who said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing in the same way and expecting to get a different result.
I said to Joan that in order to achieve her outcome she would need to change her part of the script.
The next time I saw her she looked much happier and said: 'It was so hard but I changed my role in the script and it's helped'.
The Saturday after our session Joan had not shouted, screamed and cried when the guests left even though her husband had said 'that old thing' about her dress and criticised the food that she had spent all afternoon preparing.
Joan had sat down opposite him, looked him in the eye and said 'What I love about you are that you are a great dad to our daughter and a good provider for our family'.
I asked what his reaction was. She said he looked embarrassed. Why wouldn't he?
I asked what happened next. She said that for the first time in almost a year they shared the same bed and he held her.
Over the next months Joan's situation improved so much that her husband started complimenting her in front of friends/colleagues even adding 'How she has put up with having dinner party guests every single Saturday for as long as I can remember beats me' and 'I think we will have some time out and spend some weekends just the two of us'.
If you have found this blog useful, please leave your comments and if I can help you please do get in touch via West of England Coaching and Counselling.
What is the outcome that you want?
We teach people how to treat us - so if your issue concerns a relationship perhaps you need to change your part of the script or role in the play.
We can either be at 'Cause' or 'Effect'. If at effect we say someone else or something else is responsible for how I am/feel/do/behave/my results/my situation.
If we are at cause we say I am responsible for my results/how I feel/do/behave. Which would you rather be?
If we want to be empowered we can choose to be at cause.
We cannot directly affect others' behaviour - that is usually outside our sphere of influence - but we can change our behaviour and indirectly influence them.
When I met Joan (name changed) she was not far from serving her husband with a divorce.
I asked Joan what her outcome was and if she still loved her husband. She said that she did and wanted to take some steps to save her marriage.
It transpired that her husband was away during the week on business and on Saturday night my client was tasked with holding dinner parties for his clients/potential clients/business associates.
Saturday nights had ran the same for the past year or so. Joan's husband would complain about aspects of the food/Joan's dress.
When guests left Joan would row with her husband, cry and he would sleep on the sofa.
I played back to Joan what she had shared with me and said it's rather like being in a play where the script does not change - he has his role and you have yours.
Who was the wise person who said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing in the same way and expecting to get a different result.
I said to Joan that in order to achieve her outcome she would need to change her part of the script.
The next time I saw her she looked much happier and said: 'It was so hard but I changed my role in the script and it's helped'.
The Saturday after our session Joan had not shouted, screamed and cried when the guests left even though her husband had said 'that old thing' about her dress and criticised the food that she had spent all afternoon preparing.
Joan had sat down opposite him, looked him in the eye and said 'What I love about you are that you are a great dad to our daughter and a good provider for our family'.
I asked what his reaction was. She said he looked embarrassed. Why wouldn't he?
I asked what happened next. She said that for the first time in almost a year they shared the same bed and he held her.
Over the next months Joan's situation improved so much that her husband started complimenting her in front of friends/colleagues even adding 'How she has put up with having dinner party guests every single Saturday for as long as I can remember beats me' and 'I think we will have some time out and spend some weekends just the two of us'.
If you have found this blog useful, please leave your comments and if I can help you please do get in touch via West of England Coaching and Counselling.
Monday, 12 September 2011
Designing Your Preferred Future
Do you feel motivated by the prospect of designing your preferred future and want help to achieve this?
The starting point is conceiving your preferred future in a way which drives you to achieve it but how do you achieve this first step?
The answer is to transport yourself into your preferred future and see what you notice first.
This involves envisioning specific details - often small and sensory based - such as what you will see, what you will feel and what you will hear when you get where you want to be.
You also want to design the following specifics at a number of levels:
As well as designing your future from your perspective, you can also shift your perspective to that of another - What would other people notice was different about the future you?
Ask yourself questions - such as 'What else?' - until you have exhausted the details and come up with alternatives which build upon your design for your future.
When you cannot think of any other questions you will know that you have exhausted your future design.
Now you get to the fun part......
Close your eyes and imagine you in your future design which you have just created.
Use all of your senses - if you can - and turn them up. Make the colours brighter and richer, the sounds more audible, the feelings stronger.
Why? For what purpose?
Using your senses builds your motivation. Imaging your future helps your mind to focus on its target and quite literally come up with ideas and options to help you to take steps to move towards your future design.
How did you get on? Please let me know or if you would like to book your complimentary 'Better Results Today' Session or visit our West of England Coaching and Counselling website.
The starting point is conceiving your preferred future in a way which drives you to achieve it but how do you achieve this first step?
The answer is to transport yourself into your preferred future and see what you notice first.
This involves envisioning specific details - often small and sensory based - such as what you will see, what you will feel and what you will hear when you get where you want to be.
You also want to design the following specifics at a number of levels:
- At a behavioural level - What are you doing in your preferred future? Who will be there?
- At a competence level - What skills, knowledge and experience will you have? (Yes - this can relate to personal stuff as well)
- At an achievement level - What will your results be? Who will be benefiting from what you are doing?
As well as designing your future from your perspective, you can also shift your perspective to that of another - What would other people notice was different about the future you?
Ask yourself questions - such as 'What else?' - until you have exhausted the details and come up with alternatives which build upon your design for your future.
When you cannot think of any other questions you will know that you have exhausted your future design.
Now you get to the fun part......
Close your eyes and imagine you in your future design which you have just created.
Use all of your senses - if you can - and turn them up. Make the colours brighter and richer, the sounds more audible, the feelings stronger.
Why? For what purpose?
Using your senses builds your motivation. Imaging your future helps your mind to focus on its target and quite literally come up with ideas and options to help you to take steps to move towards your future design.
How did you get on? Please let me know or if you would like to book your complimentary 'Better Results Today' Session or visit our West of England Coaching and Counselling website.
Friday, 9 September 2011
How To Address Your Fears
Do you have a fear which you want to address that causes you negative emotions and make you feel bad on a semi-permanent or permanent basis?
Most people have something they are fearful of: whether physical - for example, spiders, confined spaces or flying - or emotional - for example, change or failing or not being good enough.
How can you best address these sorts of fears?
I think the starting point is to imagine what your life would be like if you did not have these fears.
What will you be doing then? How would others know that you no longer had the fear?
This is your outcome or goal - your 100% - although you may want to aim for 80% or 90%.
Also, what would be the pay-off - or pay-offs - of resolving your fear? With a strong driver for the change you want to make you increase your intent to take action.
Next, identify times when you do not have the fear and what you are doing then. You will be wanting to do more of this because it works well for you.
Now scale everything from 0% to 100% where you are now. If you are currently at 30% - what are you already doing to overcome your fear? This is something that you can build on.
What resources have you used to get to 30% and can any of these help you to move gradually from say 30% to 80%?
Typically, small steps work to help you to help yourself gradually overcome your fear and it's unrealistic to expect to move from 30% to 80% in a week.
Although some people achieve this, they often slip back into old ways having not had time to consolidate and get used to their new patterns of behaviour and turn them into new habits.
Techniques which work well as small steps include the following:
Most people have something they are fearful of: whether physical - for example, spiders, confined spaces or flying - or emotional - for example, change or failing or not being good enough.
How can you best address these sorts of fears?
I think the starting point is to imagine what your life would be like if you did not have these fears.
What will you be doing then? How would others know that you no longer had the fear?
This is your outcome or goal - your 100% - although you may want to aim for 80% or 90%.
Also, what would be the pay-off - or pay-offs - of resolving your fear? With a strong driver for the change you want to make you increase your intent to take action.
Next, identify times when you do not have the fear and what you are doing then. You will be wanting to do more of this because it works well for you.
Now scale everything from 0% to 100% where you are now. If you are currently at 30% - what are you already doing to overcome your fear? This is something that you can build on.
What resources have you used to get to 30% and can any of these help you to move gradually from say 30% to 80%?
Typically, small steps work to help you to help yourself gradually overcome your fear and it's unrealistic to expect to move from 30% to 80% in a week.
Although some people achieve this, they often slip back into old ways having not had time to consolidate and get used to their new patterns of behaviour and turn them into new habits.
Techniques which work well as small steps include the following:
- Extended breaths - Challenge yourself, how many of these can you take each day whenever you think of of your fear?
- Exercise in the morning - A short walk helps to put a fear into perspective because being outside literally expands your perspective on things.
- Be kind to yourself - The next time you are in a situation which you find uncomfortable talk to yourself in a kind tone and give yourself what you need.
- Be responsible for how you feel - If you start to feel stressed, fearful or worried, see how quickly you can turn your feelings around by turning your attention to something else or by aiming to think about the fear differently. For example, if you are afraid of failing ask yourself what you can do to deliver your best piece of work.
- Aim to just focus on today - Most fears come from negatively forecasting the future. We do want to plan ahead and we want to see things going well but if you find this difficult being more present in the now will help.
Monday, 5 September 2011
Lose Weight And Keep It Off With Hypnotherapy
The most common personal goal I have come across professionally and personally is weight loss.
Losing weight is cognitively very hard with powerful 'feel good' food memories residing in your hippocampus.
Does your weight yo-yo, do you have 'good' weeks and 'bad' weeks and find you are either treating yourself or on a strict regime?
I use hypnotherapy to help clients travel an easier and more balanced journey towards their weight goals.
Contrary to popular belief hypnosis (trance) is not a sleep state and hypnotherapy is used to help you to make changes at a sub-conscious level - including how you see food and what it means to you.
We go into trance many times a day. For example, when we are focusing on a task and whilst relaxing.
Trance is a state of focused attention and is actually very pleasant.
For weight loss hypnotherapy I retrain your mind to create permanent maintainable healthy eating patterns.
We help you put an end to your battling in the war zone between 'good' and 'bad' food and make new associations to emotional triggers.
For example, one client now 'rewards' herself with non-food related treats which she enjoys and gets a serotonin (happy, coping chemical) high from without weight issues.
Typically it takes just 3-4 sessions to reprogramme eating habits - although some people need more than this if there are deeper issues.
In trance I help you to visualise your success - a technique which works very well for goal achievement including weight loss.
On top of this, I provide healthy directives which your subconscious has somehow lost the will to act upon for some time.
Ultimately your success will depend on practising the techniques which I share with you.
Experience also shows that a well-kept food diary works well for most people as do daily meditations and focusing on what you do want - to be healthy and well.
Please let me have your views on this blog and if you would like our help please get in touch via West of England Coaching and Counselling.
Losing weight is cognitively very hard with powerful 'feel good' food memories residing in your hippocampus.
Does your weight yo-yo, do you have 'good' weeks and 'bad' weeks and find you are either treating yourself or on a strict regime?
I use hypnotherapy to help clients travel an easier and more balanced journey towards their weight goals.
Contrary to popular belief hypnosis (trance) is not a sleep state and hypnotherapy is used to help you to make changes at a sub-conscious level - including how you see food and what it means to you.
We go into trance many times a day. For example, when we are focusing on a task and whilst relaxing.
Trance is a state of focused attention and is actually very pleasant.
For weight loss hypnotherapy I retrain your mind to create permanent maintainable healthy eating patterns.
We help you put an end to your battling in the war zone between 'good' and 'bad' food and make new associations to emotional triggers.
For example, one client now 'rewards' herself with non-food related treats which she enjoys and gets a serotonin (happy, coping chemical) high from without weight issues.
Typically it takes just 3-4 sessions to reprogramme eating habits - although some people need more than this if there are deeper issues.
In trance I help you to visualise your success - a technique which works very well for goal achievement including weight loss.
On top of this, I provide healthy directives which your subconscious has somehow lost the will to act upon for some time.
Ultimately your success will depend on practising the techniques which I share with you.
Experience also shows that a well-kept food diary works well for most people as do daily meditations and focusing on what you do want - to be healthy and well.
Please let me have your views on this blog and if you would like our help please get in touch via West of England Coaching and Counselling.
Friday, 2 September 2011
Sleeping Problems?
A client visited me for the first time today and during discussions he revealed that he had not been sleeping properly for some time.
Why is not sleeping properly such an issue?
Whilst we may suffer little negative consequence from the odd sleepless night, over a period of time the negative consequences of sleeplessness will become apparent.
We all know people who are able to function well on less than the generally recommended average of 8 hours per night.
I think you'll agree that the gold test is whether you are able to function well during waking life after a lack of sleep. If not, you may need to take action.
Why is sleeping so important and what can I do to improve it?
In summation good sleep involves two types of sleep that alternate throughout the sleep period:
During Regenerative Sleep we rest and restore so that we awake with energy to expend during our waking life.
During the REM Sleep we deal with problems through mataphors i.e. dreaming and resolve them so that 'we have the answers in the morning'. Hence the old addage 'sleep on it' i.e. the issue, problem or decision.
You do dream even if you do not remember them. However, some drugs will restrict or stop REM completely.
If we do not get enough sleep - your sleep needs are unique so apply the gold test above - both types of sleep will be impacted. If this goes on for some time you can run into difficulties.
What stops us from getting good sleep?
You may already know that caffeine in the afternoon / evening, eating a heavy meal or using technology before bed, being too hot or cold may impact your sleeping in a negative way.
Therefore, having a routine such as, going to bed at the same time and avoiding some or all of the above can help.
Other than the above key reasons, you may not be sleeping enough due to worries, problems, unresolved issues, fears, anxiety, stress, anger or depression.
If you are suffering from any one or more of the above your sleep may be negatively impacted to a greater or lesser degree.
If you are suffering from one or more of the above your 'stress bucket' is not being emptied and - left unaddressed - your performance during the day (e.g your productivity at work, relationships with others and your level of self-care) will all be impacted.
One of the best things you can do to restore your sleep is to relax immediately before bed (don't use the TV or work as this actually raises your stress levels) with a hot bath or listening to a relaxation CD.
If you have found this blog useful please leave a comment.
If you would like one of our relaxation CDs and for all of your coaching and counselling needs please visit our website West of England Coaching and Counselling.
Why is not sleeping properly such an issue?
Whilst we may suffer little negative consequence from the odd sleepless night, over a period of time the negative consequences of sleeplessness will become apparent.
We all know people who are able to function well on less than the generally recommended average of 8 hours per night.
I think you'll agree that the gold test is whether you are able to function well during waking life after a lack of sleep. If not, you may need to take action.
Why is sleeping so important and what can I do to improve it?
In summation good sleep involves two types of sleep that alternate throughout the sleep period:
- Regenerative Sleep
- REM (Rapid Eye Movement) Sleep
During Regenerative Sleep we rest and restore so that we awake with energy to expend during our waking life.
During the REM Sleep we deal with problems through mataphors i.e. dreaming and resolve them so that 'we have the answers in the morning'. Hence the old addage 'sleep on it' i.e. the issue, problem or decision.
You do dream even if you do not remember them. However, some drugs will restrict or stop REM completely.
If we do not get enough sleep - your sleep needs are unique so apply the gold test above - both types of sleep will be impacted. If this goes on for some time you can run into difficulties.
What stops us from getting good sleep?
You may already know that caffeine in the afternoon / evening, eating a heavy meal or using technology before bed, being too hot or cold may impact your sleeping in a negative way.
Therefore, having a routine such as, going to bed at the same time and avoiding some or all of the above can help.
Other than the above key reasons, you may not be sleeping enough due to worries, problems, unresolved issues, fears, anxiety, stress, anger or depression.
If you are suffering from any one or more of the above your sleep may be negatively impacted to a greater or lesser degree.
If you are suffering from one or more of the above your 'stress bucket' is not being emptied and - left unaddressed - your performance during the day (e.g your productivity at work, relationships with others and your level of self-care) will all be impacted.
One of the best things you can do to restore your sleep is to relax immediately before bed (don't use the TV or work as this actually raises your stress levels) with a hot bath or listening to a relaxation CD.
If you have found this blog useful please leave a comment.
If you would like one of our relaxation CDs and for all of your coaching and counselling needs please visit our website West of England Coaching and Counselling.
Monday, 22 August 2011
Cash Crunch Coaching
Are you worried about money?
Whether you have increasing credit card debts, concerns about paying your mortgage or other bills, you are amongst an increasing majority as the economic crisis continues.
Where to start?
I have always been fascinated by money probably because growing up there was little of it. I relished programmes like 'The Bank of Mum and Dad' and Irvin Hall's 'Your Money or Your Life' and was fascinated by the people's spending habits.
I think that focusing on money and showing an interest in things financial is a good starting point.
Financial institutions are starting to get the idea that we want simplicity when it comes to finance and even pensions are set to become more straightforward in the short- to medium-term.
You can now even Google the best savings rates and set up an account online starting with as little as £1 - though you can set your goal at a level you can afford each month.
What about spending?
Well, online often is a good place to start and you may already know about MoneySupermarket.com which helps you to get the best deals on most things.
When I purchase anything over the Internet, I always go for free postage and free returns and check there is a telephone number I can call in case something goes wrong as emails can be ignored.
Spending what you do not need when you are down can be addictive so making a list of other things to do such as going for a walk with a friend or your dog or your neighbour's dog would be an example of a good distraction.
You may find it helpful to record what you spend for a month and then set a budget through finding areas where you can reduce spend. This monthly exercise will help you to see more clearly where you can cut back.
Quite recently a client of mine made a list of 'money saving rules' to keep her on track which include things like:
In a difficult economic climate we tend to panic and feel out of control which makes it difficult for us to think straight making irrational thinking and mistakes more likely.
When you find it hard to see the wood for the trees do something that calms you down - go for a bike ride, watch a comedy, lie down with your eyes closed or take some extended breaths.
This will help you to calm down, see things more clearly and act in a more effective way.
If you have found any of this blog useful please leave a comment.
We also hope that you will visit our site for all your coaching and counselling needs at West of England Coaching and Counselling.
Whether you have increasing credit card debts, concerns about paying your mortgage or other bills, you are amongst an increasing majority as the economic crisis continues.
Where to start?
I have always been fascinated by money probably because growing up there was little of it. I relished programmes like 'The Bank of Mum and Dad' and Irvin Hall's 'Your Money or Your Life' and was fascinated by the people's spending habits.
I think that focusing on money and showing an interest in things financial is a good starting point.
Financial institutions are starting to get the idea that we want simplicity when it comes to finance and even pensions are set to become more straightforward in the short- to medium-term.
You can now even Google the best savings rates and set up an account online starting with as little as £1 - though you can set your goal at a level you can afford each month.
What about spending?
Well, online often is a good place to start and you may already know about MoneySupermarket.com which helps you to get the best deals on most things.
When I purchase anything over the Internet, I always go for free postage and free returns and check there is a telephone number I can call in case something goes wrong as emails can be ignored.
Spending what you do not need when you are down can be addictive so making a list of other things to do such as going for a walk with a friend or your dog or your neighbour's dog would be an example of a good distraction.
You may find it helpful to record what you spend for a month and then set a budget through finding areas where you can reduce spend. This monthly exercise will help you to see more clearly where you can cut back.
Quite recently a client of mine made a list of 'money saving rules' to keep her on track which include things like:
- Order tap instead of bottled water in restaurants
- Don't buy takeaway coffee
- Make a list that you stick to for the supermarket
- Make your own sandwiches for lunch
- Have 1 day a week where you do not touch your purse or wallet at all
In a difficult economic climate we tend to panic and feel out of control which makes it difficult for us to think straight making irrational thinking and mistakes more likely.
When you find it hard to see the wood for the trees do something that calms you down - go for a bike ride, watch a comedy, lie down with your eyes closed or take some extended breaths.
This will help you to calm down, see things more clearly and act in a more effective way.
If you have found any of this blog useful please leave a comment.
We also hope that you will visit our site for all your coaching and counselling needs at West of England Coaching and Counselling.
Friday, 19 August 2011
Improving Your Thinking
How do you think that your core beliefs and 'rules for life' affect your thinking as events happen?
I was recently working with a client who in many contexts in life is positive, pretty flexible and easy going. Then she was involved in a serious non-fault car accident.
After the car accident my client experienced post traumatic stress symptoms including regular day and nigh-time flashbacks following which the same sorts of questions came up in her mind - 'How could that driver be allowed on the road?' and 'I cannot trust other drivers anymore'.
My client's relevant 'rules for life' relating to this were quite rigid e.g. only competent drivers should be allowed on the road - because of course this is not the case and despite the characteristics of the driver - including their being regarded as 'old' - this was a car 'accident'.
These rules for life and core beliefs were causing negative thinking and in turn negative emotions and communication whenever she thought about the accident and in talking with others.
This was reinforcing and compounding negative thoughts in her brain and eventually, unable to control these negative thought and emotions, she came to see me.
As well as negativity around the car accident incident my client had also started thinking about other negative experiences from way back in her life that had seen her rules and core beliefs undermined in some way.
We know that this is the subconscious mind's way of protecting us and causing a 'fight or flight response' - responding with the primitive response patterns of anger, anxiety or depression and sometimes two or even three of these.
Once we identified the contextual core beliefs and rules for life that were negatively impacting my clients' thinking she was able to develop more enabling beliefs and flex her rules in this area somewhat.
We then found that her awareness level negative automatic thoughts occurred less and less and within a few sessions she felt calmer about what had happened to her and wise having found out how her mind worked and how to manage and control it.
Anxiety, stress and feeling low or depressed are lonely disabling feelings which you do not have to bear.
If you would like support in addressing any emotions you are suffering with please get in touch via West of England Coaching and Counselling.
I was recently working with a client who in many contexts in life is positive, pretty flexible and easy going. Then she was involved in a serious non-fault car accident.
After the car accident my client experienced post traumatic stress symptoms including regular day and nigh-time flashbacks following which the same sorts of questions came up in her mind - 'How could that driver be allowed on the road?' and 'I cannot trust other drivers anymore'.
My client's relevant 'rules for life' relating to this were quite rigid e.g. only competent drivers should be allowed on the road - because of course this is not the case and despite the characteristics of the driver - including their being regarded as 'old' - this was a car 'accident'.
These rules for life and core beliefs were causing negative thinking and in turn negative emotions and communication whenever she thought about the accident and in talking with others.
This was reinforcing and compounding negative thoughts in her brain and eventually, unable to control these negative thought and emotions, she came to see me.
As well as negativity around the car accident incident my client had also started thinking about other negative experiences from way back in her life that had seen her rules and core beliefs undermined in some way.
We know that this is the subconscious mind's way of protecting us and causing a 'fight or flight response' - responding with the primitive response patterns of anger, anxiety or depression and sometimes two or even three of these.
Once we identified the contextual core beliefs and rules for life that were negatively impacting my clients' thinking she was able to develop more enabling beliefs and flex her rules in this area somewhat.
We then found that her awareness level negative automatic thoughts occurred less and less and within a few sessions she felt calmer about what had happened to her and wise having found out how her mind worked and how to manage and control it.
Anxiety, stress and feeling low or depressed are lonely disabling feelings which you do not have to bear.
If you would like support in addressing any emotions you are suffering with please get in touch via West of England Coaching and Counselling.
Thursday, 19 May 2011
An Inspiring Place to Coach and be Coached
From January this year I have based myself in Coombe Lodge, near Blagdon, at the foot of the Mendip Hills, which is truly captivating, idyllic and enchanting.
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| Enchanting Coombe Lodge, Blagdon. |
I feel so lucky to have found this place. What a difference from anywhere that I have worked before - mostly open plan offices with views of walls and machinery or the back of someone’s head.
My clients are happy to travel out to this beautiful place in the countryside because the location is so perfect for helping them to create change.
Fellow office dwellers tell me that I have the best room as it’s spacious and with the most awe-inspiring views of trees and woodland.
Since being in this place my coaching has reached a new level as I feel inspired by the location in which I work.
Clients have also commented upon the inspiration they get from just being in this place.
Their goals are stretching and, with a better view of their current reality, they are able to see what is required to move forward.
Ideas and options come more easily and are effectively assessed against some helpful criteria before they decide on what steps to take next.
I am a big fan of Tony Robbins who believes that for any change to occur we must first change our environment.
Thank you Tony for sewing the seed in my mind that led me to this wonderful place.
Please let feel free to pass on your comments on this blog? Has it inspired you at all?
Alternatively, please take the opportunity to visit my website West of England Coaching and Counselling as I am passionate about improving lives using our mind and would love to hear from you.
Please let feel free to pass on your comments on this blog? Has it inspired you at all?
Alternatively, please take the opportunity to visit my website West of England Coaching and Counselling as I am passionate about improving lives using our mind and would love to hear from you.
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