Changing Your Role in Life

Are you fed up with your current role in life, feel that the same things keep recurring and the same behaviours keep repeating themselves? 

You may have reached a point where you feel really uncomfortable - even desperate to change things?

Perhaps you have set some goals and taken some action but you haven't actually changed your deeper beliefs, rules for life and you feel incongruent - like you are living someone else's life almost.

Perhaps you have been doing it all for someone else to make them happy - a parent or spouse - to meet their expectations or what you think their expectations are.

For years my role in the script of my life ran along the lines of doing a job that would make my father proud of me and for years I felt like a square peg in a round hole.

'That's just stupid' I eventually thought. Perhaps you can relate?

I went through a transformation from old to new role in the script where I eventually felt that I was being my authentic self.

My old beliefs were that I would never be good enough - 'I will have to work really hard because I am not clever and on my own because I cannot rely on others, to prove to my Dad that I am good enough and lovable'.

My new beliefs are different - I am and always have been good enough and I can reach out for support whenever I want to.

I prioritise and balance my life so that I am working hard enough and I do something just for me every day - for me it's usually exercise and preparing a fresh meal that make me feel good.

Above all, I remind myself that I am doing good work helping others and that I earn my oxygen, that people respect me and that I am loved just as I am.

My new beliefs have given me peace of mind. 

So, what new beliefs can you start to have that will help you to change your role in your life?

• Know that everything is happening for a reason and everything is as it should be even when you think this could not possibly be true. Believe it and ask for the strength and courage to be able to see it as true.
  
  
• Aim to change the things you can, accept the things you cannot change and know the difference.
  
  
• Stop beating yourself up for anything you feel you have 'failed at' - failure is only failure if you let it keep you down.
  
  
• If you do things in life sometimes you will fail - learn from it and move on.
  
  
• Be flexible and prepared to let go of the battle to have things your way all of the time.
  
  
• Be honest about the depth of your anger or depression and take action that is helpful to your health and well-being.
  
  
• Be kind to you. Know that we are all flawed, imperfect and spend some time getting to know the real you again - maybe go for a walk on your own at least once a week and do some soul searching.
  
  
• Enjoy the journey, what is happening around you now - the sights, the sounds and enjoy the fact that you are alive, awake and here to experience life on your path at a lovely pace that is just right for you.
  
  
• Expect obstacles on your path and curve balls will continue to be thrown. By expecting these problems you can handle them as best you can whilst still focusing on everything that you are grateful for.
  
  
• Offer gratitude even when you want to do the opposite - moan, complain, cry. When you can connect with a true feeling of gratitude, even when you’re in the midst of massive pain it helps.
  
  
• Find a form of meditation that works for you and aim to just be, letting any thoughts pass without analysis.
  
  
• Let your new role evolve in a time that is appropriate for you - transformation can take years because it is a journey.

Please let me know your thoughts and feelings by writing a comment on this blog and please get in touch via our website at West of England Coaching and Counselling. 

Increase Your Personal Effectiveness

Are you serious about increasing your personal effectiveness?

If you are then you want to get the right support to increase your results.

In September 2011 People Management (the magazine of the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development), Rob MacLachlan gives a book review for James Scouller's The Three Levels of Leadership.

The book discusses public actions leaders take in a group setting, their private actions as leaders in relation to individuals and personal and a leader's own psychological, moral and technical actions and its effect on behaviour.

MacLachlan rightly points out that the personal leadership aspect - acting confidently and without fear as a leader - is often the hardest part to master.

Scouller says 'we all have unconscious limiting beliefs and defensive behaviours which block our full potential, authentic expression and joy in our work'.

MacLachlan questions this whilst Scouller offers techniques for facilitating self-awareness and change 'whether it is realistic for the process of deep psycho-spiritual change to be navigated solely with the help of a book, however good'.

Maclachlan adds that 'few people would have the discipline or self-awareness to undertake (personal change) without a good executive coach, ideally with a psychotherapeutic training'.

I think it is very difficult - if not impossible - to be completely objective about your own stuff.

I have a coach without whom I doubt I would have made the personal changes I have made and continue to make in order to achieve my goals - personal, professional, contributional and financial.

A good coach who is able to help you to make changes will always facilitate your changes at a subconscious level and address the beliefs, values, distorted thinking and rules for life which are driving how you feel and what you and others see; your behaviours and particularly whether you appear confident, calm and without fear.

If you have found executive and personal coaching to be useful on your journey please comment on this blog or if you are serious about increasing your personal effectiveness as a leader please get in touch via our website at West of England Coaching and Counselling.

Improving Your Thinking

How do you think that your core beliefs and 'rules for life' affect your thinking as events happen?

I was recently working with a client who in many contexts in life is positive, pretty flexible and easy going. Then she was involved in a serious non-fault car accident.

After the car accident my client experienced post traumatic stress symptoms including regular day and nigh-time flashbacks following which the same sorts of questions came up in her mind - 'How could that driver be allowed on the road?' and 'I cannot trust other drivers anymore'.

My client's relevant 'rules for life' relating to this were quite rigid e.g. only competent drivers should be allowed on the road - because of course this is not the case and despite the characteristics of the driver - including their being regarded as 'old' - this was a car 'accident'.

These rules for life and core beliefs were causing negative thinking and in turn negative emotions and communication whenever she thought about the accident and in talking with others.

This was reinforcing and compounding negative thoughts in her brain and eventually, unable to control these negative thought and emotions, she came to see me.

As well as negativity around the car accident incident my client had also started thinking about other negative experiences from way back in her life that had seen her rules and core beliefs undermined in some way.

We know that this is the subconscious mind's way of protecting us and causing a 'fight or flight response' - responding with the primitive response patterns of anger, anxiety or depression and sometimes two or even three of these.

Once we identified the contextual core beliefs and rules for life that were negatively impacting my clients' thinking she was able to develop more enabling beliefs and flex her rules in this area somewhat.

We then found that her awareness level negative automatic thoughts occurred less and less and within a few sessions she felt calmer about what had happened to her and wise having found out how her mind worked and how to manage and control it.

Anxiety, stress and feeling low or depressed are lonely disabling feelings which you do not have to bear.

If you would like support in addressing any emotions you are suffering with please get in touch via West of England Coaching and Counselling.

Coach Yourself Confident

The most common coaching objective includes an individual wanting to increase their confidence at work and in social situations.

It is really important to know that confidence is a learned behaviour, so in order to increase it we need to practice being confident in the same way that we need to practice to acquire any skill such as riding a bike.

A good starting point is to think about things which you are sure of - where you are already confident - as a foundation on which to build.

List these in an 'Achievement Journal' and every time you take on a challenge - at work or socially - make a note in your journal.

At the end of each month you can read through your journal and be proud. Furthermore, noting - or 'journalling' - your achievements in this way will become a good habit which is easy to keep up.

Being confident does not preclude mistakes - it relates to values which you would not compromise on, such as, defending someone whose life is being threatened.

Also lack of confidence is just a label we give ourselves and it not written through us like words in a stick of rock.

Another tip is to create a strong and leading voice in challenging situations which overrides the 'I can't do' voice.

The best thing to do to sabotage your confidence is to try to please other people. Instead, aim to be respected or interesting or even controversial, not liked.

To practice being confident choose to do something daring. For example, a client of mine recently went speed dating and enjoyed it because he met some interesting people.

Presenting ourselves to others in social situations and big groups is not the fondest way to spend time for many people but if you know how to do it you can make it at least more bearable.

Before you enter any challenging situation - like a business networking event or meeting new people socially - assume the tree pose.

Imagine your feet are rooted to the ground, make your legs strong and tighen your core and then pull your shoulders back and smile with your eyes i.e. with a slightly turned up mouth not grinning like an ape.

Ask open-ended questions which start with 'What' and listen as trite and friendly is all people want when they first meet a new person.

Perhaps most importantly when it comes to building your confidence and surviving in difficult situations, create a mental firewall so you can hear and refuse to be affected by others' negative opinions.

Please do let me know if this blog helps you and please visit our website at West of England Coaching and Counselling.

A Better Life - Align Your Inner and Outer Self

A Better Life can be created by us all - by aligning our inner and outer purposes.

Our inner purpose is to be conscious, present, aware and mindful of what is happening inside and outside of ourselves.

Examples of inside awareness are becoming aware or conscious of our breathing or the taste of our food.

You can try this out for yourself and ask yourself - what do you experience?

Examples of outside awareness are 'smelling the roses', watching a pet, hearing the birds and really listening to someone.

You can try this out for yourself - again - what do you experience?

To be truly present means rising above thinking, analysing, judging and labelling and 'Just Being'.

Our outer purposes change with time. Outer purposes work best when they are aligned with our inner purpose.

Sometimes we accept what we do as a means to an end though we can work on achieving a purpose that is enjoyable and we are enthusiastic about.

Imagine yourself inspiring others through your work and enriching their lives, without wanting anything else from it.

You can try this out for yourself - what do you experience?

Please let feel free to pass on your comments on this blog? Has it inspired you at all?

Alternatively, please take the opportunity to visit my website West of England Coaching and Counselling as I am passionate about improving lives using our mind and would love to hear from you.